Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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