im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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