Kareoke will never be a sober sport
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
