you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
