So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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