Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
that's an acceptable place to lick
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
