She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
