He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
