All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
