i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize