i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Randomize
