There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaÃt comercial?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
