um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
