call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
