You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
