I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
