Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
