On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
