Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
There's even glitter on my cock...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
