Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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