life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
