There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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