I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Two words: nipple clamps
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