maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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