Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
