I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
