The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
