You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
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