My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize