I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
