i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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