i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
