apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
