What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
