I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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