I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
