I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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