i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
