What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
