If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I party with great urgency now.
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