Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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