So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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