so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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