feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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