Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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