I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
