if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
