I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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