she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
where are my eyebrows?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
