So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
