I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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