Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
