Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
