You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
