$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
