You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
