i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
