Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
