The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
