I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
