Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize