i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
so much tequila, so little girl.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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