he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
