You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize