Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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