I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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