I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
