I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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