Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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