I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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